Envy - one of the rare qualities, which is equally capable and spoil life, and vice versa, to become a powerful stimulus to self-improvement. The main thing is to learn how to manage it. Children suffer from envy no less than adults . The way the feeling of envy affects the child's life depends, first of all, on the behavior of his parents. This article gives practical advice to parents on how to prevent the "blackening" of children's consciousness and educate constructive envy, which contributes to the development of the child's personality and cognitive abilities.
We can say as many things as possible to the little one that it's not good to be jealous. But the very necessity of such conversations with your own child testifies - the problem exists, the kid envies. However, in this fact there is nothing wrong - envy is one of the rare qualities that equally can ruin life, and vice versa, become a powerful stimulus to self-improvement. The main thing is to learn how to handle it .
Children suffer from envy no less than adults. And it does not matter that initially it does not play the role of an all-consuming black force, that its manifestations are called an amusing word "zawns." Over time, they can grow to incredible proportions and poison childhood, adolescence, adolescence ... Fortunately, this is not always the case, because envy is one of the rare qualities that can equally ruin life, and vice versa, become a powerful stimulus to self-improvement.
Parenting feelings.
In the opinion of psychologists, envy is unnatural for a person , because it is not laid biologically. It would seem that a mixture of aggression and sadness, in response to the inability to get what the other has, is born by itself, but it is not. The mechanism of comparison, analysis, anger at others, discontent with oneself is launched in early childhood, and parents play an important role in this. It is clear that this happens unnoticed, of course, contrary to talk about the inadmissibility of envy. If she already managed to take root in the mind of the baby - it's a long time. Over time, only the list of objects will change, the response mechanism will remain approximately the same. To toys and felt-tip pens will be added clothes, "fancy" technique. Then the social position of the parents of friends, their happy joint existence. During the transition period, life will poison the appearance of peers, the "number and quality" of their friends (for boys) and fans (for girls) ... All this will happen - of course, if the parents do not want to "correct" the mistakes.
The fact that envy is taught is especially clearly seen in the example of a toddler. If the karapuzu likes a toy, he just comes up and takes it. This is the natural aspiration of the child, and, of course, he does not count on the misunderstanding of others. But very rarely everything goes smoothly. Usually the "legal owner" protests, it is supported by adults. And quite often the child is not simply refused, but at the same time they do not distract attention to anything else, they do not offer an adequate substitute. It is very bad when an irritated mother insists on her position by "confirming" that the given thing is really very significant and necessary, but you, the baby, do not deserve it (it is clear that expressions can use a variety of things, most importantly, the meaning). Thus, it seems to strengthen the emotion. In the language of professionals, this is called "anchoring". It is easy to guess that the child after such educational conversations makes quite a logical conclusion: " I'm not good enough (I'm not all right) ."
Very painful and perceived comparisons with peers - of course, not in favor of his own baby. "Look, look, what kind of girl is obedient, and you ..."; "Petya is much smarter than you"; "Here is Vasya's beautiful picture" ... Well, and so on. These innocuous phrases are quickly taught to live with an eye for others, jealously compare themselves with them, join in an impromptu competition - and, to a greater extent, one-sided, as others often do not know what "demons" overcome envious. And one more very important point - in this way, my mother again and again makes it clear to the baby that he does not like her too much.
In addition, beautiful "yeast" for the emergence of envy - adult conversations, when "bones are washed" by friends - their position is compared to their own, and it does not matter whether the head of the family claims in style: "But his wife NN has long been ... ", or the model" The neighbor's house burnt out. "A trifle, but nice." Gloating and envy are two sides of the same coin , and if we do not always understand this, children learn such patterns instantly. Of course, all this should lie on the prepared soil - the emergence of envy is greatly facilitated by the individual characteristics of the child.
Portrait of an envious person.
If the goal is to draw a collective psychological portrait of a small envious person, it will be a man with an understated (or overestimated) self-esteem and a general emotional dissatisfaction - both arise because of a lack of parental attention, concern, love. When a kid lives in harmony with the world - and this is possible only if his parents love him, he will not become jealous of what he himself is "deprived of." It will not be difficult for him to switch - since objectively, without a desired object, it is perfectly possible to exist. And if you can not cope with yourself, it means - it's not a specific thing at all, it is not comfortable for the most part.
Of course, the child can not analyze what exactly he lacks and ask the parents for love . "Playing" toys consciousness on the one hand is simply saved from a painful sense of lack of love, and on the other hand, the installation is realized: if I had this toy, I would be happier. After all, often material becomes a symbol of love and life without fear even in adults , and it is not surprising that children, without understanding themselves, try to challenge the wisest folk saying "Not in money happiness."
In addition, in children with low self-esteem, there is a great need for self-assertion - for anyone's account, and splashing out the accumulated negative on the possessor of the desired becomes an appropriate way out. However, envy can manifest itself in different ways. Someone quietly suffers from a lack of "necessary" for complete happiness, someone rolls violent hysterics to parents, demanding what they want. If you really want to immediately call yourself and "lucky" in rights, the coveted toy can be spoiled or hidden from the owner. A more subtle manifestation is not to communicate with someone who is jealous, touching him with a lack of attention - and you can do it alone, or you can slander your friends.
Acting in this way, the child for some time achieves what he wants, he really has the illusion of self-esteem and his own power , but it only helps for a little while. And then a new replenishment is required for the gnawing "worm". In the end, he can quite subordinate the entire existence of the owner, influencing the formation of a life scenario. So there can be a lot of not very nice characters: "unfairly disadvantaged" - the one who was underestimated, did not pay tribute to his outstanding abilities. "Severe judge," with pleasure giving those around him peremptory characteristics - mostly unflattering. "Lord God" - the decisive, just or unjust to anyone came trouble ... Well, and as an apotheosis - of course, "Salieri", without a twinge of conscience "removed" from his path of solar Mozart. In a word, there are many unpleasant variants of the development of events.
And if you understand that the child has not yet become "envious of the contemptible" to the full, but this is a very real prospect, you need to take action. It is known that envy is traditionally "colored" in two colors - black and white. This is not entirely true, but more on this later. One thing is certain - this feeling is amenable to correction, and how it affects the child's life depends, again, only on the further behavior of the parents in an unpleasant situation.
"Black at the bottom of my soul" ...
Stop living your life, devoting it exclusively to thoughts of foreign, often exaggerated successes and ups; constantly chew and reproach themselves for their shortcomings, or, on the contrary, blame the whole world for injustice - all this is the lot of the "black" envious person. It is clear that with such settings it is very difficult to realize fully, create a happy family and bring up full-fledged children . Fortunately, to prevent the "blackening" of children's consciousness is not so difficult, it is enough not to allow some mistakes.
First of all, of course, do not always compare your child's achievements with peer achievements . The Japanese have a feeling of envy towards someone rather small. And most likely, a significant role in this played the peculiarities of the educational methodology of the countries of the Rising Sun. Here it is customary to compare the baby only with himself, and pay attention to how much he could achieve in comparison with some past period of his life . This approach does not allow the development of a sense of envy, in contrast to when one person's successes are almost reproached. Walking on the road, not trying on clothes from someone else's shoulder, it is much easier for a child to get rid of an unpleasant feeling.
In addition, do not strictly control the child , and allow him, at his discretion, to dispose of at least some "property." It is clear that it is unlikely that my mother will be pleased to learn about the exchange of expensive toys for a set of stickers, but expressing the child's claims and "canceling the deal" to him is very clearly given - you with all your experiences, our complete property. It turns out that toys that seem to be given to him, in fact belong to the parents, and the kid has nothing that he really owned and could dispose of without looking at the elders. And since children objectively obey adults, there is no need to emphasize this fact once again.
However, it is also erroneous to imagine that envy automatically goes away if the baby is provided with everything that can be provided on demand. This way is most like a "buy-out", when the generosity of parents does not hide love, but unwillingness to seriously listen to the child and understand his problems . To no good this approach, of course, does not result - a perfect illustration of the movie "Toy" with Pierre Richard. This situation has a direct relation to envy - after all, we repeat, it initially arises from lack of attention and love. So guessing can only reveal the root of the problem faster, but not solve it. In this case, do not go to the other extreme, accustoming the child to perceive life as a stock of restrictions: this is impossible, dangerous; then it's too early; but it's just not get, and do not bother me, I have a bad mood.
"The Taming of the Shrew"
How to teach a child to direct envy for the benefit of himself and, consequently, to others ? Of course, first of all, it is necessary to correct the relationship in the family and try to give the child more warmth and attention . Well, and then follow as problems arise. If you need something tangible, and the parents see that for a baby this is not an empty whim, but really important, why not buy it? We still still endlessly visit all the "children's worlds", and there are plenty of reasons. However, this is not the only way out. You can, for example, calmly explain that buying is impossible, leading weighty arguments - only not humiliating the baby. Or - if you really exchange a coveted object - teach him to do it. And if, for example, bad emotions are caused by a color cardboard lock made by a friend, why not combine efforts and create something equally impressive?
But the envy of the non-material - to someone's success, appearance often becomes an incentive for serious work on yourself - and the kids too . In addition, such feelings often become an excellent reason for finding the quickest solution to a particular problem, in any case, it is very clearly indicated, what should be paid attention to - it is clear that they envy only the significant, which clearly lacks. And, solving an urgent problem, one can teach not only to achieve one's own, to go to the goal, but also to do without something, get rid of illusions, and despite everything rejoice at the success of your neighbor . Just do not resort to reassuring "but": you, of course, did not win, but you read poetry well. This attitude, repeated all the time, often contributes to the fact that the child becomes passive, unable to achieve his little man. It is better to use another formula - "in spite of this ." Yes, this time it was not possible, but despite this you are still talented, clever, you will definitely win the next time.
There are many options for solutions, and which of them will be the saving one for the child is most easily solved by the parents. One thing is certain - you do not have to pretend that the problem does not exist, comforting your beloved with the usual phrase "there's nothing to envy" -because if there are evidences, you have to cope with them, and combined efforts.
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