Do you remember how good it was for my grandmother? Pies with apples, fairy tales for the night, the prickly heat of a sweater of large mating and words from a good song of "the old woman's grandmother, the ears on the vertex ..." Everything was special, tastier and weaker than that of the parents. But today parents run from their grandmothers, like devil from incense, barely speaking about their own child. What changed?..
The main reason is this: we have changed - grandmothers have also changed. The present grandmother is no longer the "woman at the front garden with a cat, a tablecloth and a cheesecake", coming to us in childhood memories. According to statistics, modern grandmothers are by no means old ladies. They are slightly over 50, they have a pretty busy schedule, a very wide range of interests, and their grandmothers can be called with great stretch, at the risk of running into a grievance for the rest of their lives. Instead of a pastoral old woman, ready to kiss her granddaughter at any time, we are faced with an old woman who does not have very definite plans for the future. Although she keeps the "ears on the crown" as before. Such a grandmother can refuse the weekend with her grandson simply because she does not have time for this, or, for example, because of usual fatigue after a hard day's work.
The second reason lies in ourselves. One of the indispensable conditions for the existence of a modern family is the earliest possible separation of children from their parents as completely as possible. We diligently build up our own apartments, look for all kinds of options to part ways, and, having parted, we reduce communication to rare phone calls or even more rare Sunday visits. Aspiring to independence, young mothers no longer require the advice of the older generation to raise a child, because to their services special literature, television, the press and the Internet. In these circumstances, the need for a grandmother disappears by itself: Mama herself "knows how to", and in case of acute shortage of time, he can insure himself and invite a nanny.
So what's the problem? Mums are independent, grandmothers are building a personal life, and like no one is suffering. This is not quite true. Of course, children grow fine without grandmothers, but if they are available, it is very foolish to abandon their services. The fact is that the grandmothers have a very significant influence on the emotional development of the child. While parents are preoccupied with a lot of problems - from unlearned lessons to buying a new sack for replacement shoes, the grandmother most often worries about "simple things" - whether the kid ate, is merry or sad, and whether there is a hole in his sock. Deprived of the burden of parental responsibility, grandmothers are often much easier to communicate with the younger generation. In addition, their own parental experience also affects: after all, the computer is a computer, and they raised us even at that time, when instead of wireless we were running ordinary, eared. And even the measured, slightly slowed down pace of life of grandmothers will benefit your child. So, if the parents in most cases pay attention to the most pressing problems of the child, the grandmother will not miss even the smallest detail like a badly tied scarf.
Grandma or a nanny?
There is no unequivocal answer to this question - too much depends on each specific situation. The main advantage of the grandmother is "the free of her services". If a professional nanny can get along with her parents a pretty penny, then the grandmother will sit with the child completely unselfishly. In addition, the grandmother - "his own" and, unlike the employee, who in fact is a nanny, loves his grandson simply because he is her grandson. For the same reason, mom's worries about the fact that the grandmother will hurt or cause any harm to the baby is significantly lower than in the situation with a nanny. But it is in this "disinterestedness" and "freeness" that the main pitfalls of communication with grandmothers are usually hidden ...
"I HAVE CHANGED YOUR LIFE"
It often happens that young parents fall into psychological dependence on the grandmother. It all starts with the phrase "I changed my whole life for you", no, no, and skipping in conversation, and ends with some kind of unpaid debt from my mother, who dared to ask for help to "the good old woman's grandmother - the ears on the vertex". The consequences are a lot: from the banal guilt feelings of parents and to the situation when the grandmother begins to actively intervene in the life of a young family. And claims in this case you will not show, because for the sake of your child, the grandmother did sacrifice her free time, any interests or plans and did it absolutely for free. Then really really think about, but is not it easier to take a nanny.
How to be: In this case, there is only one way out, namely not to bring this situation to extremes. That is, not to abuse the attention of the grandmother, to listen to her advice as much as possible, to turn a blind eye to some minor differences in the issues of raising children, and from time to time to really replace the grandmother of a nanny - this is the key to successful relationships. Communication with the child should not be a burden, but certainly a joy. In the end, put yourself in the place of grandmother: not only did you throw a kinder-surprise, but still do not allow to participate in his upbringing, constantly pointing out "how it was necessary to do." What kind of joy of communication can we talk about?
"I'm bored with a candy and I do not tell my mother"
Another fairly common problem is the speculation of love.
"This is some kind of horror! Loma is a boy, like a boy, but you'll bring him only from your grandmother - as if you changed it. She throws her toys, she does not want to, she does not listen to anyone! "- says Olga, the mother of 4-year-old Cyril.
Agree, such stories can be met at every step. And each time it turns out that grandmothers especially spoil the child to spite parents. In fact, grandmothers do not have any malice. As practice shows, indulging children's desires is much easier, rather than explaining to the baby why it is impossible to do these or other things. So, for example, if the mother forbids the child to eat sweet, then the grandmother can be more loyal in this matter, because she does not have to pay the dentist and experience rather unpleasant minutes in the dentist's office. The child usually gets to the grandmother for a limited time, and quite often she does not think about what will happen next, after the grandson goes home. In addition, this style of behavior automatically makes a "good-natured" from my grandmother (unlike a strict mother, she allows almost everything), and, as is known, "lovers" like more.
How to be: To avoid such situations and the conflicts caused by them, one must try to convey to the grandmother not only the basic principles of your upbringing, but also to explain why you are sticking to them. So, in the case of the sweet, it is not superfluous to acquaint the grandmother with the quotations for the services of the dentist: a round bill will surely poumerize her "chocolate impulses".
"TWICE TWO EQUALLY FIVE"
Profile education is the very point on which grandmothers lose to nannies in all aspects. Unfortunately, between the love of the child and the ability to entertain him or teach something, there is no equality. Grandmother can have a lasting psychological contact with the baby, but at the same time is completely incapable of explaining to him the most elementary things. And even if the grandmother has a pedagogical education, this is not at all a pledge of success. For the elapsed time, too many changes have taken place and new methods of child education have appeared, with which your mother may simply not be familiar. Given the fact that the early development of children is now highly valued, the current situation may not be too favorable for your child.
How to be: Schools of early development, all kinds of sections and circles, part-time groups in kindergartens - that's what can fix the matter. And in this case, the grandmother can come in handy as well as possible - who else will drive the child through all these educational institutions?
Summarizing all of the above, it is easy to come to the conclusion that for the development and upbringing of the child the best option is the presence of a grandmother and a nanny simultaneously. Of course, the nanny more often duplicates the functions of the mother, so it is sometimes much easier to find a common language with her. But home cosiness, trust and a sense of security, which the grandmothers give to children, can not be bought for any money. And it's not so much in educational matters, mutual reproaches and early development. We have memories of apple pies, fairy tales and unusually tasty semolina. And who remembers that the grandmother brought up something "wrong"? Is that our own mom.
OPINION EXPERT
Ksenia MERENKOVA, Institute of Practical Psychology "Terra", Voronezh, practicing psychologist
Most often, the reason for refusing the services of grandmothers is not technical illiteracy or the immeasurable pampering of grandchildren (as without it, then she and grandmother!), And our own parent relationship with the grandmother. We are as far removed from the older generations, trying to quickly become independent, and now the return can be perceived as surrender. If the situation looks like this, think about how you became independent, that until now you are afraid of returning to your grandmother, who is no longer your teacher, but your assistant. And who is this grandmother? This is Mom. Yours or your spouse. Perhaps the reluctance to use her services is not due to disagreements in the ideas about the upbringing of the offspring, but with old conflicts, long-standing grievances? .. Of course, if you come into the house, she will become a grandmother not only for your child, but for you, but if you can competently build your relationship, the advantages of this union can significantly outweigh the disadvantages.