It is unlikely that either of us, when entering into marriage, thinks about the break. Solemn ceremony, happy relatives, honeymoon ... But the sad reality is that five weddings have three divorces. A divorce - this is the strongest stress, the courts, scandals, unhappy children. Can I ease my condition after it all happened? How to find a new life after a divorce? If you need help, follow our advice on how to cope with this difficult situation.
Immediately after the divorce.
The depth of injury after a divorce depends on several factors. First, on how long you have lived in a marriage. It is much harder to part with a husband with whom more than ten years have been lived, regardless of the depth of feelings and the kind of relationship. Believe me: even if he was a drunkard, a rowdy or a reveler, you will still not be easy without him at first time. This is a subconscious reaction, the deep word "habit". Second, the one who initiated the divorce is also important. If you are - everything is a little easier. But if you think that you can avoid stress, you are mistaken. Thirdly, it is also important how you lived before the divorce, whether you married by love, how much you were connected, how your relatives communicated with each other.
Immediately after the divorce in my head everything is confused. There are no long-term plans for the future. You are overwhelmed by a sense of loneliness , self-pity, anger, despair or fear (depending on the situation). But the main thing is you are not sure about tomorrow. Everything became vague, unclear, doubtful. You had a settled life. Let not always the one you dreamed about, but it was familiar and predictable. And now suddenly it was different. And there's nothing you can do about it. Or can you?
The main thing that you should remember: your condition is absolutely normal! You are not sick, not defective and not guilty. It just happened. Humble yourself. Accept this as a fact and get ready for later life. It will take time to heal the wounds and start a new life after the divorce. It's perfectly normal if you for some time will mourn the loss of your relationship. You may feel very bad, but remember, there is life after the divorce, and thousands of people have successfully acquired it and continue to build relationships even easier than they did before. People "get better" at different times, some faster, some for quite some time. This is very individual - how to find a new life after the divorce. But, with some effort, everyone can cope with this. Believe me: divorce is not the end. This is just the starting point for a new life. How incredible it did not sound.
One month after the divorce.
How you can feel.
Remember that the first month you will probably feel very vulnerable emotionally, maybe even "numbness" and a state of shock. Most psychologists compare the current state with the roller coaster. You can feel:
- Irritation and resentment, as dreams and hopes of a beautiful future have disappeared.
- Embarrassment and shame, if you thought that your marriage and without a divorce was long over. You can not share your feelings with others.
- Denying that the relationship is really over. You can not imagine life without your partner and feel a complete loss.
- Guilt. You think that this gap is your fault, even if it is not.
Expert opinion:
"Do not worry. All these very different reactions are completely normal. Relations have split, and this is always a loss. You can feel huge losses, be in complete shock, feel numb and guilty for what happened. Hundreds of questions revolve in your head. Or you can be filled with anger to your partner and blame him for the fact that the family is ruined. You will be destroyed emotionally and physically, so do not be too demanding of yourself at this time. "
What to do.
- We need to find support at this stage. It is necessary that someone close is next to you - a friend or family member. This will help keep your nerves.
- Do not blame yourself. The fact that your relationship has stopped does not mean that you were wrong or that it was your fault.
- Try not to worry if there is a heap of un-washed linen in the house or not. You really need to devote this time only to yourself.
Two months after the divorce.
How you can feel.
- Your emotions will still go off scale. You may have begun to understand the practical elements of your gap, such as caring for children and workload, for example. But they do not reflect how you really feel.
- Your trust in yourself and others can dramatically decrease, and you can feel depressed.
- You can feel the fear that you will never be able to trust someone again.
- You feel devastated. All this emotional frustration really has a negative impact on the state of your physical and mental health.
Expert opinion.
"Keep the situation untouched, at least for the first time. So you always know where you are. This is not the best moment to make radical decisions - such as moving or changing jobs - even if you feel that this is a good solution. Having next to some things to which you are accustomed, you can easily go through bad times. Pain stays within you, no matter where you go. Give yourself time to gain strength before making any serious decisions. "
What to do.
- Deal with anger. If he still "eats" you need to stop it now. Anger often masks what you really feel. You are scared and sad. If you can let go of your anger - you can start moving on.
- Talk about it. Try to discover what you feel for friends and relatives.
- Avoid feelings of guilt. Do not get yourself an interrogation: what went wrong? Why? How? What did I do wrong? You will only become more bitter in your bitterness and pain.
- Look really at what really happened. It will be painful, but try to write down your thoughts and discuss it with someone you can trust. It really helps you move on.
Three months after the divorce.
How you can feel.
- You do not have enough confidence. Divorce can really hurt your self-esteem.
- You are worried about your future and the huge amount of things that you must do.
- You will feel more "mundane," and you will be more free to talk about your feelings.
Expert opinion.
"The most important thing at the moment is to give all attention to children. Your children, if you have them, are the most important "stumbling block" in divorce. They must survive this drama, and this can be a very difficult time for them.
The main thing is that in communication with children you and your ex-husband are one. You will have to discuss this with him in advance and make a decision about what you are going to tell the children. Do not blame each other in front of children! Explain that mom and dad can not live together more, but that they both love them very much and want to be with them at the earliest opportunity. "
What to do.
- Look after yourself. You may run into trouble sleeping, as thoughts and questions sweep over and over again in your mind. Try to avoid it. Eat right. Do not let your emotional state affect your overall health. Take multivitamins daily and sleep as much as you want.
- Antidepressants can help for a while if you feel very depressed. Especially good are they when used in combination with therapy.
- Set priorities. Perhaps you will feel that you are ready now, at least, to solve practical problems. Where will you live, how to raise children, how to solve financial problems. If necessary, contact a lawyer for advice.
Six months after the divorce.
How you can feel.
- You have calmed down enough to start sorting the facts through your emotions.
- You may start to feel a little stronger now, physically and mentally. You are not so exhausted.
- You are still mourning, but the pain may not be as acute as it used to be.
Expert opinion.
"Therapy really helps. You need a person with whom you can talk privately, so he must be wise, experienced, knowledgeable. Often, communication with family and friends is not enough, ask for advice to a psychologist.
You may feel bad if you blame your partner or yourself, and do not consider it possible to justify each other. Or you do not want your children to know that you are upset. You can be absolutely truthful in your feelings with a qualified counselor.
What to do.
- Take time to relax - whether it's a walk or a scented bath - it does not matter. It is really important to try to get rid of stress, help yourself to cope with everyday problems.
- Do not humiliate yourself in front of children - when you feel worthless, they can decide that nothing is achieved in life either. That any tasks that need to be solved are extremely complex and irresolvable. Achieve the desired small steps and set small goals. This will give you more self-confidence if you see that you have achieved something.
- Meet with your friends. You can not afford to appear before them uncombed, hastily dressed and without make-up. Sometimes it's useful even to force yourself to go out and laugh with your comrades. This is really the best medicine.
A year after the divorce.
How you can feel.
- Your confidence is already taken for granted
- You probably start to take on a new status, and your friends and family will recognize you updated, too.
- You do not say no more about your divorce all the time.
Expert opinion.
"It takes time for friends and family to realize the changes in your life. Now they will recognize your new status and you will finally find out what they really think about your divorce. They feel that you do not need to become more isolated in your "egg shell".
What to do.
- Plan it. In advance, write down a list of things that you are going to do during the day or week. Kleite "reminders" on the refrigerator, when you become uncomfortable - this will help not neglect important business.
- Meet new people. Remember: there is no suitable or inappropriate time to start dating, and after the divorce it should not become an impossible prospect. If you feel that you would like to meet someone, start slowly to join friends at various parties, picnics, festive festivities. Dating "about" can be a great way to meet someone.
- Move forward. You will meet other people on your path, who also went through the destruction, and you will receive help in the form of valuable advice. It is necessary to cope with your emotions and find out why your relationship has reached a deadlock and how to avoid it.
Two years after the divorce.
How you can feel.
- You have acknowledged that the relationship is over and that you are OK.
- Your trust in yourself and others grows again.
- You can be ready for a new relationship.
- You no longer look at the situation through emotional haze, you can make clear decisions.
Expert opinion.
"Do not be in a hurry to build new relationships if you do not feel ready. Especially caring friends can try to introduce you to men, in their opinion, the most suitable for you. But you can not afford to go through the ups and downs again in building new relationships. Believe me: this is normal.
Only you decide when and with whom. In addition, you can meet someone just by accident, which is also good. You will know when you will be ready for a serious relationship again, but this should not be in the very very long term. Relationships do not necessarily have to be perfect to be happy in life. "
What to do.
- Time for radical solutions. If you still want to move or find a new job - why not go for it?
- Take for granted that sometimes you will still feel depressed. Of course, two years after the divorce, you should be OK, but it's natural that you can have an accidental malfunction. You can run into your ex that will beat you out of the rut, for example. Just admit that it was then, and you are living now.
- Be proud of yourself. Remember: you are still loved. Your children, your parents and friends. You thought a lot, lamented a lot and learned a lot about yourself because of this. So let yourself be broken and humiliated. Be "on top" - you deserve it!