In fact, the triangle "wife, husband, mother-in-law" - the most difficult in terms of family relations. Three people and three different points of view on everything and everyone. And if the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law live in the same house, then most conflicts can not be avoided. Each of the parties actually has very different needs, expectations and priorities. This often leads to misunderstandings, serious problems and, often, to the rupture. It is quite difficult to reconcile the interests of all three parties to the conflict. But still it is possible. You just need to try a little.
Since you got married, someone has appeared in your life that considers yourself as important as your husband-your mother-in-law. She loves her son, so she can compete with you in her feelings. You in this situation often feel lost and emotionally destroyed. Although for you in the first place - a relationship with her husband, but your well-being also strongly depends on a good relationship with your mother-in-law. In addition, it is usually difficult for both of you to share the love of one man with each other. How to act in this difficult situation, when my mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are in the same house? To begin with, you need to pull yourself together and try to take control of the situation.
The mother-in-law is too critical of you
Your husband's mother tries at every turn to prove that she is still the most important person in the life of his son. This is especially pronounced when you live in the same house. Thousands of such examples are known: his mother-in-law is constantly "concerned" about his business, arrives without prior notification, calls at any time of day ...
In addition, she constantly does not like you. Then you, she said, are too modest, then, on the contrary, they are extravagant. In general, his son will have to "suffer a lot" and "suffer" with you. She criticizes your taste, complains about not thoroughly washed dishes or the floor, climbs with her advice and remarks about everything in your home and your life. For this reason, there are often serious clashes between you and you do not know how to fix the situation.
What can you do?
1. Set clear boundaries. The behavior of the mother-in-law can be tolerated for years, but this should not be done. So your life will turn into a nightmare. From the very beginning you must define the framework for which no one has the right to go, especially your mother-in-law. Several times let her know that this area is closed for discussion by third parties. Example: if your mother-in-law wants to come to you, let her know in advance. It's the same if she needs the help of her son (your husband) in the near future. Of course, we are not talking about emergency cases. Mom you can visit a partner, but his visit was announced. You understand that the husband should help the mother sometimes, but this should not interfere with your plans. Compromise solutions in this case are the best!
2. Do not be afraid to say to your mother-in-law, "no." Does it call you too late? Ask not to disturb you after 22.00, because at that time, as a rule, you are already going to bed. Interferes with your expenses? Explain that in matters of the material you rely more on your own common sense. Show your displeasure by sending an important message: "I will not allow such interference, please respect me."
3. Manage your emotions. Even if you are very bad - do not immediately rebel. Do not go down to market warfare - be higher. Calmly explain that unfavorable comments will only hurt you. The agreement will reach much easier.
The mother-in-law estimates everything in own way
According to her mother-in-law, you are responsible for the main disorders in the house and quarrels in the family and it is you who are to blame for them. Understand the reason for her criticism - she just sees a threat in you. Is it not the realization that another woman is more important to her beloved son, pushes her to being rude to you? She just, like most loving mothers, does not want to lose contact with her child. She wants to have influence over him, but does not know how to achieve it. Therefore, she contradicts you in everything, expresses the opposite point of view on different things, contradicts herself. The mother-in-law is very difficult to refrain from phone calls, unexpected visits, providing advice. When she is angry, she makes it clear to your husband that it was you who pushed her to failure and brought her to a white heat.
What can you do?
1. Give mothers a chance. Do not think that your husband's mother is unfriendly towards you because of his abnormal suspiciousness and spitefulness. It is not always so. Did she "get" you with her uninvited advice? Maybe she does not want to prove that you can not do anything, just sincerely trying to help. In addition, this person is older than you, with significant life experience, so that some of her advice may be just necessary for you. Do not immediately inflate the conflict - it will hurt your relationship with her husband!
2. Demonstrate your understanding . Having married his beloved son, his mother-in-law is freed from his wings. It probably takes time to adjust to the new situation for her. Maybe she feels lonely, so her criticality does not even have the slightest relation to you? When you look at the behavior of the mother-in-law from this point of view, then you can more easily cope with your irritation.
3. Try to close your eyes to some shortcomings . She cleans the dust from the shelf with a clever air? Let him see that you are also a person - you do not have time everywhere. At the table, he puts the most delicious bits to his son? So it's okay, he's her favorite son. Do not attach importance to all the little things, otherwise you risk hating your mother-in-law. Have pity on your husband - he is in a difficult situation. When he sees that you do not treat his mother as a rival, he will feel safer and your mutual understanding will immediately increase.
4. Be polite to her . Even if it takes you a little cold and at a distance, try to approach it. How? Sometimes you can just give her something - a new blouse or purse. And when you cook her favorite soup for dinner, do not forget to say that you did it for your beloved mother-in-law. Give her more of her time. Listen to her when she complains that she is in pain. Does my mother-in-law have a headache? Ask your husband to make the TV quieter. Let him see that you care about his mother. This is a good chance that your relationship with your mother-in-law will warm up and get better.
The mother-in-law constantly interferes with your relationship with her husband
From the point of view of a man, his role in this triangle is the most ungrateful. The issue of living with mother-in-law and daughter-in-law in one house is a painful issue for him, too. Both women love him and are loved by him. Both expect that he can be on their side. When it comes to arguing, it feels terrible and internally torn. He must choose between his wife and mother, each of whom requires loyalty and loyalty from him. And because they can not choose, he establishes a completely detached position and does not want to participate in conflicts. Put yourself in his place. You will understand how difficult it is for him. But let your mother-in-law interfere with your personal - do not even think about it. This is a real impasse! What if she persistently breaks through the "barricades" and climbs with her assessments and advice? Here you need to act radically.
What can you do?
1. Sincerely and openly talk to your husband. Discuss together how to secure harmony in your family. It is important that he understands why he should support you. Let's just say, very clearly: "Without you I can not manage. Acting alone, without your support, I can only inadvertently aggravate the conflict. But your mother is too deeply involved in our relationship. We must do something about it together. "
2. Be specific. Do you want your mother-in-law to express her opinions less often? Try not to suppress your husband with general phrases like: "Your mother is terrible. It's impossible, it's bickering ... "It's better to say:" Your mother cares about you very much. But sometimes her care is too vividly manifested. She's good, but how can she be made to understand that we have our own life? "Otherwise, your husband will perceive your attacks as a signal to attack. He will vehemently defend his abused mother, which will only worsen the relationship between you.
3. Ask your husband for advice. Ask him to talk to his mother about your general conclusions. And if it was too difficult for him - suggest doing it together. For example, you can invite your mother to dinner and take this opportunity to gently ask her not to interfere with your intimate affairs. You, of course, need to prepare for this not one or even two joint dinners. But you must be tolerant - the result will be.
4. Never put your husband before choosing "either I or your mother"! Why? You can just lose your husband. Of course, he should know that too much interference is difficult for you to accept. Much more, however, in this situation, peaceful persuasion, not cries or pressure, helps.
Tips for mothers
- Do not be afraid that your sister-in-law will take away your son's love. The fact that he cares about his wife does not mean that he loves you less.
- Remember that your son and daughter-in-law are already adults. Refrain from criticizing, evaluating and imposing advice on them. It irritates them.
- Avoid frequent eye contact with young spouses. Do not pursue them with phone calls or interrogations about family matters. This can be perceived by them as excessive control.