Not every parent seriously thinks about the importance of his role in the formation of the child's personality. As a rule, most parents reduce the whole complex process of education to rare encouragements and frequent punishments, mistakenly believing that "carrot and stick" will do their job themselves - they will bring up a worthy person. But the catch is that this approach is very one-sided and it is unambiguously small for the development of a harmoniously developed personality. On how to raise a child correctly, let's try to understand our today's article.
Victims of the victims ...
A well-known psychologist, the author of numerous manuals on psychosomatics and personal growth, a cult figure and an example for imitation of Louise L. Hay in his book "How to change your life" writes that we are all victims of victims. She is sure that the parental experience that each of us carries over to our child is formed on the basis of personal childhood and relationships with parents. In other words, parents can not teach a child what they themselves have not received from their parents. This approach to the problem, for example, explains why it is very difficult for orphans who have never experienced maternal love to get their full-fledged family in the future.
And now think about what negative experience of your parents you carry on your own children? Perhaps you are just like your father ignoring the success of your baby? Or maybe cruelly punish him for every deuce? Or you just do not tell him that you love him, because your mother did not do it in her time? If you dig well in your memory, you can find many such examples from childhood, which again come to life in the education of your own children. Realizing this, do not rush to blame their parents, because they, however, like you, no one has ever taught the art of education. Accept their experience and finally break this vicious circle of misunderstanding by starting your right path in educating a new generation of your family. Note that properly educating your baby, you do not just grow him happy, but also lay the foundation of a happy childhood for your grandchildren.
How to raise a child: the role of father and mother in the family
How to raise a child correctly? It is rather difficult to give an unambiguous answer to this question. Of course, there are many manuals on pedagogy and child psychology, in which the secrets of bringing up a happy and successful baby are concealed. But most of these "secrets" are known to each of us. Another thing is that not every parent consciously uses this knowledge in relation to his child. Most often, the reason for this behavior lies in the lack of a clear idea of what is proper upbringing.
To begin with, for the development of a harmonious personality, regardless of gender, there must be both a feminine and a male approach in the family. These approaches radically differ from each other, but are perfectly complemented, creating a holistic method. That's why in incomplete families, where only one of the parents is present, it is rather difficult to give the child the correct idea of male and female family roles. That, in turn, explains a rather high percentage of divorces among those who grew up in an incomplete family.
What is the difference between a female and a male approach to upbringing? As a rule, fathers are more demanding of their children, less emotional and more rational. They are able to drop superfluous sentiment in a controversial situation and make a fair verdict in a conflict situation. Mothers are more emotional, more often unreasonably stand on the side of the child in controversial issues and are inclined to justify him any, even the worst, deeds. But despite this, my mother's love, when she's not fanatical and blind, inspires confidence in the baby, provides him with moral support, gives a sense of security. The authority of the father and the softness of the mother together create the right basis for the upbringing of a happy child. Therefore, if the gender roles of the father and mother are clearly expressed in the family, the children learn to be independent, answer for their actions, but at the same time they know how to love and care for others. In the case where one of the parents is absent or the roles of adults are displaced, this is much more difficult.
What is the correct upbringing of the child?
With the fact that in the process of education each of the parents must fulfill their role, they understood. Now let's talk about what is included in the very concept of "upbringing." If it is generalized, the upbringing is called the purposeful process of personality formation, which prepares it for participation in cultural and social life in accordance with the norms of the society in which it lives. In other words, educating a child, we teach him the rules of behavior and ways of interacting with others. And this process is very multifaceted. Proper education is not limited solely to the rules of etiquette and courtesy. It includes, for example, and:
- teaching the child constructive ways out of conflict situations
- the imposition of such important social qualities as kindness, mercy, altruism, and so on.
- motivation for success and achievement of goals
- training in cooperation, mutual support, art of compromises
- instilling self-reliance and independence of views
In other words, in order to raise a child correctly, one must teach him to be a part of society, but at the same time not to change his personal views and always remain himself.
Useful tips: how to raise a happy child
Now, understanding what the very notion of "upbringing" is and what goals it is necessary to pursue in its process, it is possible to discuss and tips that will help to grow a happy well-bred child.
Tip # 1: Express love, support and understanding
The first advice to many may seem too simple - that we give love and support to our children. But here the question is not so much in the presence of the senses as in their direct expression. How often do you tell a child that you love him? How often do you praise for big and small successes? How often do you express your support in a difficult situation? We adults think that all our actions speak for themselves: we also feed, dress, buy toys and drive to attractions. Is it not enough for the child to understand how much we love him? Not just not enough, but also fundamentally wrong. Parental support should be manifested in advice and participation, not in material things. It is necessary to talk about love and express it in kisses and embraces. And understanding must be without criticism.
Board number 2: Sincerely participate in children's problems
It's only from the height of the past years that a conflict with classmates, unrequited love and bad grades may seem like nonsenses, which you should not worry about. But for the child all these "nonsenses" form the basis of the children's world and cause a lot of trouble. Of course, time will pass and the child will forget about the negative. And if you stay away in similar situations, the kid will survive this experience without you. Will survive and learn to ignore the problems of their children in the future. And even earlier he will stop dedicating you to his experiences, gradually turning into an unbearable and ungrateful teenager. Do not miss the chance to be an important part of your child's life. Take part in his life, share his experiences, help him find a way out of difficult situations, share his experience.
Board number 3: Let the child freedom
Alienation and hyperope are two sides of the same coin. If you still sincerely believe that constantly caring for your baby, you provide him with full security and a happy childhood, then you are deeply mistaken. First, excessive guardianship strangles all the seeds of independence, depriving the child of the right to choose. Secondly, such parental behavior does not give the child experience of trial and error. Thirdly, sooner or later the hyperopeak leads either to total lack of will, or to desperate resistance. Therefore, if you do not want to bring up a person who is absolutely unfit for an independent life or an antisocial personality, then urgently get rid of all manifestations of hyperopeaching. Give the child the opportunity to make mistakes, teach him to make decisions and take responsibility for his mistakes. So you teach him not afraid to realize their dreams, be a leader among their peers.
Tip # 4: Everything in moderation
Excessive love exactly, as excessive severity equally badly affects the child. Feelings, both positive and negative, must necessarily be present in the educational process. But all of them should manifest themselves in moderation, without much fanaticism and excesses. Remember that excessive severity is perceived by the child, as alienation and pressure. For example, authoritarian parents often grow up children with anarchic views that do not recognize any rules and norms. Therefore be moderately strict, always objective and do not forget about timely support.
Tip # 5: Do not impose your opinion and dreams
The task of the parent is to educate the child through training. And as a rule, the personal experience of an adult becomes the basis of this process. At the same time, many parents, guided by the principle "not to step twice on one rake," prefer to give the child ready solutions to all of his problems. They desperately impose their opinions, but at the same time completely forget that their experience is individual. And it is not necessary that in a similar situation and following the example of a parent, the child will avoid mistakes and failures. All you can do is tell about your similar experience and explain to your beloved that he can use your knowledge.
The same applies to the imposition of their unfulfilled desires and dreams. Of course, you can push the child to take ballet lessons or write it to a music school. But to force a child to engage in a hateful business force, if only to satisfy his unfulfilled desires, is impossible. This is a waste of time, energy and money, accompanied by complete disappointment.
How to raise a child without screaming and punishing?
Councils advice, you object, but in real life to be a model of understanding and absolute tranquility with children is difficult. And as a rule, faced with constant vagaries and disobedience, many parents break down into screaming and use all sorts of punishments. From the point of view of psychology, such parental behavior is a manifestation of weakness. Strength and humiliation in relation to the child, which is initially weaker than you, represent a kind of last trump card in the parent's sleeve. In addition, constantly shouting at the baby, you literally teach him that the right one is stronger and older. But even worse is that gradually the child develops a kind of "immunity" to increased intonations and he simply begins to ignore any morals of the elders. Therefore, children often miss important things, said in a loud voice or in an orderly tone. And all this, while the cry in education initially carries a positive function of warning about the threat and danger.
From all of the above, you can draw two conclusions. First, screaming and punishing should not be an integral part of your child's upbringing. The second conclusion may seem to many to be controversial, but in practice it works perfectly. You can scream at a child, but you only need to do this in emergency cases. For example, when a baby is threatened by a real danger in the form of an aggressive dog or, at high speed, a car. Then, after scolding his imprudence, and not himself, you express your concern, and your high tone will reinforce the seriousness of the situation. But let us repeat, such kind of cries and punishments should be an exception rather than a permanent rule. Only in this case they will work positively.
Summing up the small results, we can distinguish several basic principles of correct education:
- education of the child should be equally pursued by both parents, each in its own direction and its methods
- You need to learn to build a trusting relationship with the child, based on love and understanding
- It is important to give children freedom, but also to set fairly clear limits on what is allowed
And the main thing is to be a good example of these qualities in order to raise a child kind, honest and revocable. So start the process of raising children from yourself!