Travelers and rabbits
In Buddhism, there is a very precise statement: "A rabbit sacrifices himself for the sake of a traveler, but not a traveler - for the sake of a rabbit". We all heard the sad stories about how the wife sacrificed for her husband's scientific career, habits, comfort, health and residence, turned into squeezed lemon, stinker, dray horse, nurse, and this lazy person did not get up from the couch. Further variants are possible: for the fifth time he has gone mad with his business, continues to change and walk, drink and play on slot machines, is still looking for himself and finds every nonsense, swears, swears and does not put any good money in a penny. She is nervous, gets old, looks bad and gets sick. And we think: "What a horror! Poor woman, so much deprivation and suffering - and all for nothing! "She is not poor. She, sorry for the harshness, is bad, because she sacrifices herself for the sake of some "rabbit", even miserable and miserable, but absolutely useless and unpromising for her personally and for humanity. We are genetically programmed to sacrifice ourselves for the weakest. For the sake of children - because they have great potential and a future for them; for the sake of patients - there is a hope that he will recover; for the sake of outstanding personalities and talents - will bring the mind in order, calm down and save the world, the firm will open and create twenty jobs. But due to our women's zamorochek in this category periodically fall all sorts of insignificance and psychos. Or quite good people, whose dignity is less significant than ours, and for whose sake to make sacrifices is as ridiculous as to change one hundred lats to ten.
Measure of Weights
Before sacrificing, you must include the mind and appreciate the dignity of someone for whom you intend to sacrifice something. He must be superior to you in something or in everything. Otherwise your sacrifice will be meaningless and even harmful for both of you. That's all so offensive just. When Anna Snitkina, a young stenographer, first came to Fyodor Dostoevsky's office with trembling to help him in the work, she remembered all of his books by heart and knew: he is a great writer. During the joint work the girl looked at him and analyzed his character, shared observations with friends. I wondered if he could get along with him. And she agreed to become his wife and to sacrifice for him spiritual peace and self-esteem, not by a spiritual impulse - the roof took away the passion, but according to the sober calculation: "He is great, and I am not." And here is another story - my friend Olga, the employee of the travel agency. We have not seen each other for three months. And during this time, her husband Daniel left work in the bank and lay down on the sofa. He groans that he has a difficult period of comprehending the past and setting new goals-life passes by, nothing makes sense, including a career in the bank. He needs a time-out, the silence in the house and the gentle hand of his beloved woman on his forehead. To make him feel good, Olga should be with him, refuse from fascinating business trips and from any prospect of promotion at work, but at the same time take on a bunch of hateful office affairs - money is needed. She will have to reject her favorite way of life, hikes and parties, as well as dreams of a child. And she will pump her strength and energy into her husband, until she has only a melancholy anguish, emptiness and indifference to everything, including himself. Her husband is clearly not Dostoevsky. And before making such sacrifices, Olga came to me to think aloud about what her beloved had achieved to her 38 years. We began to sort out what kind of diplomas and successful projects he had in his assets. Yes, he graduated from the magistracy in England, he can hold on to one workplace for more than a year, knows how to ignite people's hearts with speeches and old people and children go to him. Olga remembered that he willingly dug up for her mother a garden from dawn to dusk, always says thank you for ironed pants and kisses her in the morning. Patience, diligence and attention to loved ones also went to the treasury of virtues. Olga admitted that she wants to receive in return. After all, we make sacrifices for the sake of some purpose: African nomads burn a kid for the sake of rain and smear it with fat for good hunting. She expects to save the guy from anguish, waits that he will perk up and be grateful to her, open a new business, the house will again become a full cup and there will be joy in it. And she wants a little ponychitsya with him, until she has no children. As a result, Olga went home thoughtful. It seems that Daniel has a value. Now she has to compare herself with her husband and decide which of them is more. If it is more she does not sacrifice anything: it is unreasonable. If he is to choose which guardian angels and inspirational angels are ready to share with him.
You and others
At the comparison stage, no outside advice helps. You know, this is a very subtle and important moment: you evaluate yourself and compare subjectively, guided by one sensation. And you do not listen to anyone except yourself. The wife of Osip Mandelstam, Nadezhda, considered herself an average artist, and her husband as a great poet. She was much more likely to live a significant and bright life with him than without him. And she abandoned painting and sacrificed her creativity for the sake of a beloved man. Anna Akhmatova found her poetic gift immense and did not compromise herself for the comfort and joy of her husband, Nikolai Gumilev - also a good poet. It does not matter that you are not Akhmatova and you do not have outstanding talents. Nothing matters, except your feelings: can you ever give up some part of yourself or not. If you are ready to neglect something very important for you - prosperity or pride, profession or friends, years of life - and do not crumble, dare and sacrifice. Doubt - abstain. In youth, to make sacrifices for the sake of another is easy, since we have very little - only opportunities, some habits, dreams and plans for the future. And a lot of time ahead. In mature years, it is more difficult to sacrifice: you have acquired many values and attachments, learned success, the joy of creativity. And your time runs off with a crazy speed, it's getting smaller, and the price is getting higher.
Does anyone need this?
Why our sacrifice is sometimes not appreciated? We will reveal a terrible secret: most often because we bring a wrong and unnecessary sacrifice. Once I got a book of myths in which a dangerous whale was sacrificed by virgins. Probably, the virgin would be useful to the narrator. But what to do with her whale - is unclear. Neither sleep nor eat - due to the peculiarities of his physiology. He would have three tons of plankton, preferably already filtered. And if you are going to sacrifice someone, find out, at least, what this person needs! And then you'll get into a stupid position, which often happens with parents who sacrifice something for the sake of children. The son of a divorced mother will never understand why his stepfather's absence is a boon to him and he should thank him for it. Now, if every summer instead of resting on the beach in Turkey wandered around the mountains with him (which was so desirable to him), and if she sacrificed her free time, the adult son would remember it with affection and gratitude. And if you decided to sacrifice something for the sake of your husband, ask: "Do you want me to wait for your return on duty every night and go to bed? Or you do not care if there are anyone at home, and you only dream of how to quickly fall on the pillow? Do you want me to quit my job, leave my daughter with my mother and go with you to build a new life in Norway? Or would you prefer to go alone, arrange everything and call us with the baby? "And then there will never be a drama of unnecessary sacrifices in your family.
Your sacrifice is justified
If the one whom you save, at least periodically, for a while, allows himself to be saved - he stops playing like Dostoevsky, or drinks like Ozzy Osbourne, comes out of sadness and grateful to you for your efforts. He gets what he has in mind, and prosperity or peace appears in your house - or his fame and glory touch you with his wing.
Your sacrifice is meaningless
Time goes by, but nothing changes. A year has passed, my husband is still sitting around and waiting, stretched out on the couch, until his "third eye opens." He is not filled with gratitude and warm feelings towards you, does not entertain, does not sing and does not praise, he does not wear it. And he calls not an angel, but a bitch - because you persuade him to work and ask not to whine and do not swear.
To not go insane
Sometimes the beloved passes the barrier you have set and does an unacceptable act for you. Then there is nothing to be done with it - otherwise you'll lose your mind from such an overload or turn into a depressive whining ruin. Tatiana Lappa, the first wife of the writer Mikhail Bulgakov, worked with him in the Zemstvo hospital as a nurse - so that he would not be difficult, sad and lonely, and then, during World War I, went to the front for him. She assisted her husband in amputations, and when he was giving up his nerves, he sobbed at her on his chest. She healed him from morphine addiction, withstood all his breakings and tantrums. Has helped to return to a normal life. Finally he wrote the "White Guard" and gained great fame. And immediately changed Tanya with the subtle Lyubov Belozerskaya, and then she shyly offered the marriage to the wife of the three of them: "May Lyuba live a little with us? Good? "" It's bad! "Tanya said and divorced him. He did not forgive him for treason. She was ready for sacrifice for him - but not like that! Mikhail Bulgakov before his death in delirium asked to call him Tatiana and kept repeating how guilty before her. And Tatiana very successfully married the second time and lived to ninety years. True, it happens that all nerves will withstand, but health will disappoint, hormonal storms and dysfunctions begin, intolerable migraines, blood pressure jumps or oncological diseases. In this case it is necessary to be treated, to do as much as possible good for yourself. And change the way of life.