You should not marry for the one you love, but for the one who loves you, "says ancient female wisdom. It is believed that in this situation, everyone will be happy: the wife - the one that can twist her husband, as he wants, and he - the fact that the object of adoration is always next to him. But will such a family be harmonious and happy? And how to decide for yourself what is more important - to love or be loved?
ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES
Before the girls, especially no one asked if they liked the wannabeers who were wooing them or not, at that time they were more concerned with the other. For example, how many grooms cows, pigs, chests with money (in fact, the groom was interested in the same thing with regard to the bride). Now, of course, it's not uncommon when they marry money chests (cows do not interest anyone anymore), but this is a separate conversation. Today we are talking about another, about what is more important - is enough of unrequited love (when one loves, and the other only allows himself to love, when one kisses and the other just puts a cheek) for marriage. Let's look at the pros and cons of such an alliance.
What is a sin to conceal, we women are exceptionally flattering when we know that there is someone who loves us. And even if this one is completely indifferent to us, it is still pleasant - the self-esteem is going up! It turns out that you still have nothing, despite a couple of extra pounds, a grumbling disposition and obviously not a photomodel appearance. The presence of a Knight, even a bald, fat and old, living in a communal apartment with his mother, but hopelessly in love and ready to fulfill any of your whims, any desire, makes you feel like such a Beautiful Lady. He gives flowers, leads to theaters, and sometimes - if lucky - and devotes poetry. He is on the first call and looks at you with faithful eyes, demanding nothing in return. Well, tell me, who will not like it? So we decide indulgently that for such a faithful and loving not to sin and under the crown to go - let it be in his hands until retirement wears (unless, of course, it does not break before). But, strange as it may seem at first glance, all that pleased in the chosen one before the wedding, after some time begins to irritate. And the pros gradually turn into minuses.
I have learned from my own experience that allowing myself to love without reciprocating is an unbearable torture. We have been living with my husband for seven years now, we have two children, everything looks wonderful. But I never felt for him a real passion - only sympathy. While he is before, and now he is literally going mad, when we part even for half a day, he takes care of me, like a little child, speaks a lot of tender words. Girlfriends say that I'm crazy and I do not understand my own happiness, and frankly they envy me, because they do not mind drinking their "half" and go to the left, and some of them can raise their hand. And mine, from which side you look, all is so positive that it's just a role model. But that's why it hurts! I understand that he deserves more - true love, but no thanks for the love!
And in a similar situation it is not clear who needs to be pityed more: a man or a woman. One thing is clear-it is necessary to both. A woman realizes that it is more important for her to be loved, but she thus treats her partner as a consumer, and this often gives her a feeling of guilt before her husband, which, incidentally, can also lead to a serious neurosis. A man from the skin climbs, trying to win the love of his chosen one, but in return receives only an indistinct "thank you" instead of passionate passion. This is his oppression, and gradually his love is replaced by growing day by day annoyance and aggression towards the partner: "I already do everything to please her, but she is not enough! What else does she need? "Therefore, in such families, constant skirmishes, quarrels, mutual discontent and fatigue are inevitable.
STEPPITSYA - PICKED?
According to psychologists, "fall in love" is not always possible. And more precisely, it happens in very rare cases. More often events develop under other scenarios. In one case (the worst), mutual disagreements give rise to almost hatred towards each other. And to live with a man who turns you away is not an easy test. In the other case, in the end, both are reconciled to the fact that they will never be able to love each other, and they try to build relations even on a friendly basis. This is more like a contract between two sober-minded people who decided that the interests of children are in the first place, and therefore there is nothing to break down the family. Perhaps, in this case, children do not really suffer as much as when they divorce (although it's also a big question, because a child can copy the model of parental relationships in his adult life), but can you call such a family harmonious and happy?
In addition - remember Freud - do not forget about sex, an important component of family happiness. In families where partners love each other, it goes without saying that intimacy on the side is unacceptable or undesirable. And if in marriage one loves, and another - is not, accordingly, and the question "to change or not to change" is solved much easier. A lady living with an unloved husband can suddenly fall in love with another and lead a double life for many years. Educate children and go shopping with their legal half, and love and dream about something else. Yes, and the husband, tired of looking for caresses and tenderness from his wife, can go to the side, trying to console himself in the arms of the first beauty. And if at first it seems like a successful compromise - and the wolves are full, and the sheep are safe, - then there comes an understanding that a double portion of happiness can not be snatched. Moreover - harmony is not obtained either on the side or in the family. After all, in spite of the fact that two halves are purely arithmetically and give a whole in sum, life dictates its laws. And, according to psychologists, a person can spend all his life between passionately desired and far-fetched necessary, suffering from his own duality. Until finally he realizes what he really wants, and does not make the right choice.
SUMMARY
Therefore, "grandma's" recipe for family happiness - to allow oneself to love, and not to love oneself - is hopelessly outdated. If you do not love, then rob first of all itself. After all, love is a special state of mind, capable of turning any ugly woman into a burning beauty without any help from beauticians and make-up artists. Being in love euphoria, a person receives superpower: everything is argued, everything works out. And people around him begin to treat him kindly, since amazing positive impulses come from a man in love. After all, E.From rightly remarked that he, "who loves a truly one person, loves the whole world."
And before you give your hand (about the heart of silence) to an unloved person, it is worth a hundred times to think and weigh all the pros and cons. Even if the age is on the heels, and my mother tells you: "Do not miss, this is your last chance", maybe it's better to wait until the real feeling comes and you realize that it is important to love or be loved to the same degree. Of course, mutual love in itself also does not guarantee a strong family relationship, but, you see, this is something. This is the foundation. But what you build on it, will depend only on you two.