Psychologists came to the conclusion: injustice does not exist. Well, at least in a relationship. Promotion, offering of the hand and heart is the immediate reaction of others to our behavior. And if our self-image coincided with the assessment of others, many problems were avoided. Simain Wazer, the head of the Laboratory for the Personality and Self-Knowledge of the University of Washington, said: "People believe that they know themselves perfectly well, because they are better acquainted with the history of their lives than others. However, the person has nothing to do with the past. It exists in the reality of the present moment. " We do not even guess how we look from the outside: for example, that we have repulsive habits to be late and interrupt the interlocutor. While our own attractiveness, intelligence, sociability, punctuality, we in vain overestimate. Having established feedback with others, you can better understand yourself. After all, according to psychologists, we can not assess some of our character traits without help from outside. In order to understand the basic principles of personal perception, Wazir proposes to present a circle divided into four sectors.
Obvious for everyone
After talking with you just a couple of minutes, you can determine whether you are a conservative or a liberal, a materialist or an idealist. Studies have also proven that such qualities as sociability are assessed equally objectively by the person and his environment. What is unknown to you or to others. Usually unconscious motives of your behavior get into it. For example, rabid ambitions can in fact be due to the desire to prove to the parents that they underestimated you in childhood.
Intentions and emotions
They are perfectly aware of us, but they are invisible to others. You get nervous when you are in a busy place. But others may think: you are silent at the party, because you think - there are no people worthy of attention.
The most interesting for us
This is the side of our personality that is known only to others. This includes information about intelligence, attractiveness, friendliness, courtesy, punctuality. In assessing these qualities, we are often mistaken.
Intelligence
Our parents evaluate our intellect first. The phrase "you are such a clever" is firmly fixed in the mind and forms an idea of your own intellectual abilities. As it grows older, it is supplemented by the opinion of educators, teachers, friends. "Praises and compliments we carefully store in the bins of the subconscious, and we do not take negative feedback," explains psychologist and business coach Irina Baranova. "After all, negativity requires work on ourselves, and we are quite satisfied with ourselves." As a result, we overestimate our own intellect. In the human mind there is a constant struggle between the two "I": "I'm perfect" and "I'm real". Our psyche since childhood is imprisoned for a life in society in conditions of high competition. To recognize that you are a little more stupid than others is tantamount to accepting defeat. That's why "I'm real" in our minds is constantly being replaced by "I'm perfect". This is a kind of protective mechanism. " The hypothesis is confirmed by the result of the experiment at the University of Washington. Several students were given the task of accurately determining the value of their IQ, and then pass the test. The assessments exhibited by participants were higher than actual figures. And when the scientists asked friends to guess the IQ of the test subjects, the answers coincided with the test results.
Attractiveness
The criteria by which we judge about our own appearance, to the offensive are biased. "In childhood, we read tales of princesses with luxurious curls and eyes the color of the sky. And we dreamed of becoming the same. Later on our ideas of beauty were superimposed by the aggressive influence of the media. Now we sincerely believe (even if we do not admit to ourselves) that lips, hair and eyes should be like Angelina Jolie, Penelope Cruz and Uma Thurman. Each of us has a scenario model of attractiveness, and we can only estimate ourselves, based on it, "says psychologist Karina Basharova. While judging our appearance on the frozen reflection in the mirror and unsuccessful photos, the surrounding people fall under the spell of our energy, facial expressions, gestures. Alena always considered shining black hair (which she persistently straightened with ironing every day) the main advantage of her appearance. Until the party accidentally heard the conversation of friends, who admired her playful curls and regretted that Alena was putting her hair too carefully.
Politeness
Wishing to make a good impression, communicating, we carefully choose the words. But after all, the same phrases can be perceived in different ways due to intonation, vibration of the voice, movements of the muscles. These details are beyond our perception, but are clearly visible to the interlocutor. In addition, politeness is a social term, highly dependent on context and culture. With one person, you can say hello, loudly shouting "How is life?", And he will treat this adequately, and with the other should speak in a low voice and at you.
Punctuality
People who are completely incapable of navigating in time are very few. But why, then are we late? Irina Baranova is convinced: the scale of punctuality for each circle of communication we form individually. For example, you can visit an girlfriend an hour later, but for an interview for a new job, you should appear half an hour earlier. We divide people according to their importance, and then we prioritize them on a subconscious level: we hurry on a date, knocking everyone on their way, or boldly go into the nearest cafe, completely forgetting that they promised to be there half an hour ago. Christina appointed a university friend for seven. After being late for an hour with a little, the girl literally burst into the restaurant and already began muttering unconvincing apologies, but her friend interrupted: "Do not worry, I knew that you would be late. So I came at eight. "
Anxiety
Rarely a nervous person considers himself so. You can sleep with the light on, shudder from every rustle - and be sure: there is nothing strange about this. But those around him perfectly see nervousness: they give out a shiver in their voice, discrepancy of speech to gestures. Anxiety is a protective mechanism. The person behaves uneasily in the case when there is a threat of violation of the comfort zone. Another issue is that the threat can be imaginary. For a long time Lika could not sleep in an empty apartment. When there was a knock at the door, the girl, holding a baseball bat in her hand, opened it with a jerk. Do I need to talk about the reaction of a friend who decided to make an unexpected visit ?! Since we are often mistaken at our own expense, it is very important to understand what friends, close and unfamiliar people see us. Career, communication, friendship and love depend on this. Before you hate the whole world, look at yourself: do you always correctly express your thoughts, feelings and desires. And do not be afraid to admit mistakes.