How to break, overcome your shyness, modesty?


Many people have problems because of shyness. Famous American psychologist Bernardo Carducci, director of the research institute at the University of Indiana, conducted a curious study. It turned out that over the past 15 years the percentage of shy people has increased from 40 to 48 percent. It is not surprising that many people are interested in how to break, to overcome their shyness, modesty.

The reasons for shyness and modesty

Shyness and modesty can take many forms. From a little embarrassment in new situations, to unreasonable fears of people and extreme anxiety. If you go to a session with a psychologist, most likely you will hear a similar phrase: "When I have to speak in a larger group of people, I feel terrible. I'm afraid I'm saying stupid things that others look at me with pity or contempt. " For many, this situation is familiar. We are constantly concerned about how other people perceive us. Behind the complex of shyness lies not only suspicion, but also narcissism - narcissism. Our love for ourselves is prone to injury if someone looks at us obliquely or criticizes our statement. Our offended selfishness is not so easy to reassure. Psychological trauma causes fear of another criticism, even if it is fair. That is, the main problem of narcissistic selfish people is the rejection of criticism. But it is very useful for the full development of the personality.

Another reason for insecurity and shyness is perfectionism - the desire to always and in everything be the best. For all life failures, such a person blames, above all, himself: "It did not work, because I'm stupid, hopeless." Even if the cause of failure are objective external factors that do not depend on a shy person. In order to avoid unpleasant emotions in the future, such people avoid new acquaintances and unpredictable acts. They are afraid to imagine that they will be subjected to new ridicule, which affect their self-esteem. The desire to be the best in everything, of course, is commendable. But it must be understood that it is always impossible to be the best! We need to be ready for failure in order to gain experience and next time to change the situation in our favor. It is curious that leading people in a modest and shy way, people-perfectionists imagine themselves in their dreams as secular lionesses, stars, rich and successful people. But they are afraid to realize their dream in practice, so as not to suffer defeat.

There are also modest, shy people by nature. They have behaved this way since childhood and are sincerely convinced that shyness is a natural norm of behavior. They do not seek to break and overcome their shyness, because they do not consider this character trait a vice. They adequately perceive criticism, but in unexpected situations they may feel uncomfortable. By the way, sincere modesty causes respect for many people.

How to overcome your shyness

If you do not intend to put up with your shyness, and want to become an "iron lady", then you have special psychological programs for you. The transformation of a shy young lady into a lioness of the light requires courage and strength, but in fact it is not as difficult as it may seem.

- Start reincarnation with the adoption of your own shyness. There is nothing wrong, that you can not immediately find an objection to a silly joke. You probably have your advantages, that's them and focus.

- When communicating with people, try to pay more attention to them. Listen to what others say. Do not hesitate to ask questions. For example: "What do you mean when you talk about ...", or "What you like best". People like it when they are interested in their opinion. And you share your opinion: "I think it's very interesting", "I would like to know more about this". These are proven ways to maintain a conversation. And this ability is within your capabilities.

- Participating in the conversation, be sure to ask questions and listen carefully to the interlocutor. Interrupt in no case it is impossible! Any interlocutor likes attention to his own person. As a result, he will treat you with sympathy.

- Be the initiator of fleeting conversations. It's very simple! When you buy a glossy magazine, do not throw money to the seller and do not run away as usual. Make a compliment to the seller, throw a couple of words about the weather. During the walk, praise the neighbor's lap. She, of course, will be delighted. Thanks to such trifles, you create a positive atmosphere around you.

- Focus on the important problems of other people if you are able to help something. You will not notice how you forget about your shyness. You simply will not have time to be afraid.

- Do not reject offers to sit with friends in good company. Do not be afraid to be yourself. If someone invites you, it means that your society is happy with it.

- Learn to calmly accept someone's refusal. There can always be a situation where someone does not want to talk to you, does not react to your attempts to get in touch. Instead of coming into conflict with this person, it is better to contact colleagues with explanations: "He / her bad mood", or: "He's just rude."

- Set yourself real goals. Do not promise yourself that this week will definitely become a star of the television screen. Instead, promise to come to the party and talk with at least two people. Start small to achieve more!

- Become an expert in any field. For example, become a connoisseur of modern Finnish literature ... It is important that you will have a sense of significance and uniqueness. That other people can learn something new from you.

- Follow the news. You need to know what is happening at the moment in the world, your city and at work. These are the most common topics for conversation.

- Remember interesting events, which you have recently witnessed. Even if a story happened to you. Tell them to your friends. Seeing you an interesting conversationalist, people will try to talk to you.

- Read the special literature. At the moment the most popular is the book of the American psychologist Philip Zimbardo: "Shyness. What it is? How to deal with this? ".

Remember that the most important element of re-education is motivation to change behavior. There is no miracle of methods that guarantee instant results. To cope with shyness, you need time and daily work on yourself. But thanks to consistent and persistent work on yourself, sooner or later you will necessarily feel much more confident.

  1. Know your strengths and weaknesses.
  2. Assess behavior and actions, not the person's personality. Apply this principle to yourself and to other people. Instead: "What I'm stupid" say to yourself "How stupid I was". The last phrase suggests that the next time you act smarter.
  3. Make a list of your shortcomings, but by a special technique. For each defect, find counter-arguments that can show your strengths. For example: "What am I trusting", and then "I always help people, even if they never appreciate my deed." Or: "What am I forgetful" - "But not rancorous."
  4. Look for the reasons for your failures not in yourself, but in external factors that do not depend on you. For example: "My project has not passed, because the boss sympathizes with the men's employees."
  5. Take time for relaxation. Fresh and rested you will better understand the interlocutor.
  6. Think about what you need from other people and what you can give them. Find out what you can help and help others in solving an important problem. Also, never give up the help of others. Unless except for, if the help appears in mercenary purposes.
  7. Do not force yourself to stay with people with whom you feel out of place. As they say, they will take from you more than they will give. If you can not change the situation, limit contacts to a minimum.
  8. Disappointment and trauma are part of our lives. You just need to accept this. Do not be offended by the whole world. This happens not only with you, but with all people on Earth. Remember that after the black band, white will necessarily come.
  9. Set long-term goals in life. But every step on the road to your dream, plan for a short time. You will be able to assess progress and motivate yourself for the next stage. Seeing that in life something turns out, your self-esteem and self-confidence will necessarily increase.
  10. Learn to enjoy what you have. Small pleasures, such as a delicious dinner, an interesting film, a compliment, give a large supply of positive energy and strengthen a positive attitude towards life.

Having broken, squander your shyness, modesty - you can achieve much more in life. However, take care that in pursuit of confidence you do not become self-confident, callous and indifferent person.