When such an issue as the second child in a family is touched upon, the problems of planning are necessarily related to the first child. Sensitive and caring parents will always think about how to prepare the first child to the fact that soon he will not be alone. It is necessary to take care of this before the immediate appearance of the second child.
If the first-born is less than 3 years old
The parents who have a children's age difference do not exceed 2-3 years in the course of a consultation with a child psychologist. They complain that an older child is extremely negative about the appearance of a small creature. This manifests itself through the aggression of the child, the unwillingness to reconcile with the existence of a "competitor", to whom at that moment parents pay more attention and care. As a result, hysteria, stubbornness, negativism, and sometimes suicide attempts can easily arise from an older child. The child begins to feel that no one likes him.
The behavior of an older child can change dramatically in a different direction. The child can sit for a long time alone, suddenly start to suck a finger, urinate in pants, often cry and ask to eat. These phenomena can be explained by the fact that children under 3 years are very closely connected with the mother. The separation at the moment causes tension in them and raises various problems. When the mother leaves for the maternity hospital, she is absent for a minimum of 4-5 days. The child experiences fear, an acute shortage of attention, for fear that her mother will not return. During this time, no one can replace it, no matter how well the relatives relate to the baby. The child has a bad mood and a bad dream. Anxiety of these days can be seen in his drawings, which are dominated by cold and dark colors.
The child understands that his mother no longer belongs to him unconditionally. Now she shares her attention and care between the two children. This causes an acute sense of jealousy of the older child. Parents, in general, understand the reasons for these feelings, but do not know what to do in such cases.
There are different ways of correcting the situation. The main thing is to know and understand what is happening. This will help to revise your actions and will give confidence in the correctness of your decision. There are simply periods in a child's life when he is most vulnerable in this regard. Children under 3 years old, for example, are particularly sensitive to their relationship with their mother. During this period the child needs support, caress and care. It is no exaggeration to say that parents are of paramount importance to him.
If the first-born is more than 3 years old
After the third year the child begins to see himself as a separate person. He separates himself from the world as a whole. The most characteristic feature is the pronoun "I" in the child's dictionary. The task of adults during this period is to strengthen the child's faith in himself. Do not drive away the child when he clumsily tries to help you wash dishes or wipe the floor.
During this period, parents are given a second child in the family easier, and planning problems become less. After only 2-3 years, the first-born is no longer so dependent on the mother and will be much better prepared for the appearance of a brother or sister. His interests are not limited only to the house - he has friends who will play with him, have classes in the kindergarten.
This brings us to an understanding of the optimal contrast between children. All children's psychologists in one voice declare - the difference of 5-6 years is optimal for the appearance of a second child in the family. At this age the child already understands everything well, can take an active part in the preparation for the birth of a baby and even provide significant help in caring for him.
Conflict of interest
It was found that the smaller the age of children, the more conflicts arise between them. The baby requires a breast, and the older one, but also a very small child, wants to play with her mother, sit in her arms. Children at an early age can not understand the essence of the matter, sacrifice their own interests for the sake of a small, wait. In this regard, in families where the older child is 5-6 years old and above, such problems do not arise. The child of the older age is already able to realize himself in the new role of a brother or sister.
The interchangeability of the spouses is also very important. While the mother is busy with the newborn, the father can go to the store together with the elder, who will advise him. So, aware of their family responsibilities, the older child feels more important and, consequently, easier to reconcile with the appearance of the younger child.
Of course, the age difference matters. But by itself the age of the children will not create a family idyll and will not solve the problems of planning. Children in the family have always been and will be, to some extent, rivals. In the beginning they struggle for parental love, and when they grow up and become full members of society - they are fighting for social recognition. Jealousy and rivalry can not disappear completely - this will be contrary to human nature. But the negative consequences with the right approach can be minimized.
In conclusion, it should be said that if your family already has children with a small age difference and, therefore, there are a lot of problems - do not despair. There are ways in which you can ease tension and smooth conflicts. First of all, you do not have to worry that the older child will not understand you. Talk to him. Do not expect that after unresolved conflicts, becoming adults, children will thank you for patience and consistency. Most likely, if you do not establish their communication at a younger age, it will never improve.