On the one hand, it is a conscious deprivation of joy, pleasure, and on the other - avoidance of dependence, because if you are emotionally connected with someone - it means that you depend, but how else? The theme of emotional involvement is not only psychological, but also philosophical and religious. For example, in Buddhism, Taoism, dispassion, detachment are welcome. And in Orthodoxy, passion is condemned, and what is called "sober" is promoted. As for psychology, I would differentiate the concepts of "dependence" and "attachment." If you dissolve in your emotional involvement, lose your "I", your identity is dependence. But if the feelings control you, but you are able to return to your "I", own the situation - this is a healthy feeling, affection. However, once you are unable to cope with your feelings, reactions, lose control over the situation, then, speaking in scientific terms, we are dealing with the pathology of drives, addiction. In the worldly language, we will say about someone: he "stuck, got stuck," "it jammed, pereklinilo." As for people who do not seek to have animals for the above reason, the following comment would be relevant here: the neurotic is one who avoids the complexities of being by giving up being. But how to deal with creative people? How to artists, poets, artists without obsession? This is fuel for a creative person, and the stronger the emotion, the more productive it is!
It's a yes. As we all remember, Van Gogh was too carried away - he cut off his ear either in an attack, or in a trance. Do you know how theologians reason? A man can be led by light spirits, and can - dark. More recently, neurologists have discovered that 60 to 80% of all energy used by the brain is involved in processes not associated with any external stimulus. And this is the inner, completely unexplored activity of the brain scientists called the term "dark energy". Previously, researchers believed that the brain at rest simply resting, and some of its excessive activity was treated as brain noise. What happened? What was considered noise, in fact, was a zone of increased brain activity, which functions when we rest. Simply put, this energy is released not during the activity of a person, but when it is relaxed. This phenomenon in recent years has been studied in dozens of neurophysiological laboratories. In essence, new, previously unknown sides of the inner activity of the brain have been discovered. But it turns out, this relic - useless? Why do we need energy if we rest? At first glance, the benefits are really not visible. However, the activity of these sites has a profound meaning: if we simplify and do not go into the scientific terms, their role is to adapt us to what will be, to prepare for future events. This phenomenon was called SPPRM - "a network of passive mode of the brain."
How does this discovery relate to our topic today? The fact is that the brain of a person who is highly dependent on something does not function in full. The hidden potential, the uncharted energy that gives us strength, inspires, helps to adapt to the future, to live, as they say, to the fullest - this energy weakens if there is a pathological dependence. And do you know why? Because, as it turned out, it is the internal, secret energy of the brain that is responsible for our emotional states. When, ten years ago, Marcus Reichl, an American neuropsychologist, first described the phenomenon that brain activity is dying, when a person focuses on the same activity, they simply did not believe him. They found it a mistake. Like this? Man, say, all plunged into a complex gambling game, he is all - attention, tense, and the brain does not work? Nonsense! But no! At this time, there is a phenomenon similar to the processes in depression, namely: brain activity is reduced! That is why the "fixated" can not get out of the closed circle of pathological attraction. They form a condition similar to depression. It is masked by visible activity, but it is only necessary to try to abandon it - and the person falls into an obvious depression, a pathological discomfort called "breaking". Is it possible to love a person and avoid dependence? It seems to me that the more you love, the more you depend on it - you think about it, you expect from him confirmation of his love ... Agree, when you love a person, you will not be able to treat what is happening with a cold nose. Did not call - well, okay. Did not give flowers - so what? Has changed - nothing terrible ... Who is able to react so calmly ?!
Let's recall the ancient Greek classification of kinds of love: eros (passion), agape (related love), storge (love-trust), affection (affection). Eros is love, attraction, passion, over which you are not powerful. Such a man's style of love: pressure, onslaught, victory. Filia is love-affection, rather, a spiritualized and tender feeling. It is closer to the love of the girl, and also to the love of friends. Agape is altruistic, spiritual love. It is full of sacrifice and self-denial, built on patience and forgiveness, and reminds motherly love, magnanimous and self-sacrificing. Storge - parental, family love, full of care and attention. The greatest dependence is generated by eros. And if the relationship is held only by passion, sex, then, of course, there is a great risk of becoming dependent on the beloved. In such connections there is always a painful component. But if the relationship is "full-length", there is trust, compassion, and friendship in them, then it's just a deep real feeling, true love. Another important nuance: love often arises as an eros, and later the other components are added to the senses - agape, branch, storge ... Relations develop and move to a higher level. And this is happiness for both, for man and woman. However, it often happens that one in the pair is ready to move to another level, and the second is not. One already has little passion, I want more confidence, spiritual intimacy, and the second does not admit to myself, keeps the distance, closes from all attempts to change the format of relations. And then one who aspires to a more intimate relationship falls into dependence. He does not understand what is happening, why they are hiding from him, being removed - he, roughly speaking, beats his head against the wall in order to reverse the situation. It is more appropriate, in general, not to say "he", but "she", because women are more often in love dependence. And men attach more importance to the erotic, sexual component, and the weaker sex to the emotional, the soul. In terms of feelings, the stronger sex is more primitive than weak. For ladies, sex, of course, is also important, but of great importance is the sense of closeness, tenderness and mutual understanding. However, I repeat, this is a well-known fact. And the fact that a woman in a short time can make a man the meaning of her life, and a man for this will need time two or three times more, makes her dependent on the relationship with her chosen one. He is for her - the whole universe, and she for him - only part of his universe, and not so much. And she, of course, wants more, she starts to cling to these relations, gets stuck in them, becomes entangled, can not objectively understand what is happening. We know that love dependence is very poorly treated - unlike other addictions. I think it's impossible to find an antidote, substitution therapy. Even in the treatment of drug dependence, a doctor offers something in return, a less dangerous substance. In a romantic relationship, there is no alternative. Well, do not do lobotomy!
Love dependence is treated with difficulty, because it affects the value-semantic sphere of a woman's life. Imagine: the young lady fell in love, spent a lot of strength, feelings on the relationship, in which she believed, the person with whom she thought to connect her fate, give birth to his children, find the center of her life, and he one day says to her: "I'm sorry, I'm not going to burden you, you're a wonderful woman, but I can not create the conditions you need for life, children are not fashionable now, "etc." The roof "can move - both in despair and in obsession, and in alcohol, and for a spree ... The insidiousness of the trigger mechanism is because nobody is rude to you e repellent! And now the woman is throwing all her strength to look for her mistakes: what did I say wrong? not so did? what did he react to? Then there are attempts to find out the relationship. But he does not seem to repel you ... The circle closes. But the matter, of course, is not hopeless, although it brings a lot of mental suffering. From love addiction you can get rid of. The main thing that the woman realized that her condition is destructive and needs psychological correction. It seems that the principle of treatment of alcohol dependence. There, after all, they also say: while the drinking person does not realize his dependence on alcohol and does not want to be cured, nothing will come of it. Exactly! It is necessary that a woman wants to get rid of her painful love. One day my mother brought my daughter to see me. Student, 21 years old. She is in love with a classmate, and he treats her cool. The girl watches the guy at the entrance, calls around the clock, suffers. Once she came to his house, and his mother took it and said: "No, he went to my aunt to Lugansk!" And she, longing for her beloved, without thinking for long, rushed to the station - she left for Lugansk, without clothes, warm clothes, not knowing addresses aunts. Wandered around the city, spent the night at the station, his boy, of course, did not meet (he did not go anywhere) - and returned to Kiev with a cold (it was early spring). After that, my mother realized that it was time for her daughter to show the therapist. The girl said in my office, the classic phrase: "Nothing, he still loves me!" All women who fell into love dependence, amuse themselves with the illusion that sooner or later a man will become what she dreams of - responds to her feelings, will love and care. I assure you that if this conversation is read by a dependent woman, she will exclaim: "Well, let the professor here say that he wants - I will still be different, my Kolya (Petya, Vasya) will love me!" I repeat: until a woman realizes what is happening to her, and does not want to stop this story, she will not be able to save her from a painful love affair. And something else, except for this illusion "He will still love me," unites the girls who fell into love dependence? Maybe the features of the character are common? Or similar childish experiences?
Virtually all dependent women have the following symptoms. In the behavior - the obsession to explain something to a man and in general "to be near". In the mood - the drops from despair to hope, submergence in memories in which "everything was good," in thought - the inability to even imagine that you are being manipulated. And, finally, the main thing: the defeat of the individual, namely, the distortion of self-esteem. You mean a lowered self-esteem? No, self-esteem can be quite adequate, even high. Reduced self-esteem is when a person ceases to feel the importance and value of his own "I". Here it may be so, and maybe the hypertrophied "I", when it merges not even with the "I" of another, but with its own illusion, disguised as a dream. How many times have I watched women with high self-esteem, with amazing life results - and while they rushed at the feet of men, they sacrificed themselves completely. This behavior completely deprives the woman of equilibrium, the center of gravity. She no longer understands what is most valuable to her: her work? children? girlfriends? health? Because the man on whom she depends, has become an absolute dominant, the main theme of her life. And what a man can cause a loss of center of gravity? What or who becomes the dominant for the stronger sex? Men have money, power, work, women, casinos, hunting, sports ... All that raises their status, everything, with which they flee from the despair and meaninglessness of their own lives. Recently, I often read that some dependencies: food, from virtual communication, from SMS-correspondence - are caused by sensory hunger. Paradox: more and more we have the opportunity to get new sensations, and all the more sensory hunger! Nothing surprising, because we live in times of ersatz-sensations. As it may sound banal, we do not have enough contact with nature, natural sounds and aromas. Yes, we watch ZD films, we go to restaurants with exquisite cuisine, we visit SPA, but our body and our soul still lack impressions in a natural setting - gatherings at the dacha where it smells of fresh jam and pine shavings; the usual rural real men's or women's work, communication with close people - not with business partners, but with friends ... When a person does not have real "live" sensations, he feels robbed and begins to fill their deficit - in food, online correspondence , and even in alcohol. A man thirsts for life, but he can not satisfy her. What kind of person can be called independent?
I think a harmonious, self-sufficient. Independent can be called a person who knows how to interact with the world so as to maintain a balance between "giving" and "taking". If we only give up to the world, we quickly become exhausted as individuals. If only we take - we are banal consumers. An independent person is the one who managed to realize his talents, skills, in a word, one who embodied God's plan. And most importantly - an independent person, if it depends on anything, then on his own will, which he is the master, but not on the will of the other. We have a summer number. I wish all of us a summer mood and let me tell you one anecdote. War. Soviet soldiers, not sparing their lives, win the span of the span of their native land. They reconciled themselves to everything: blood, lice, attacks ... They can not just get used to political studies - so they got political instructors. And after the battle, another politizanie, after which the political instructor says: "And now you, Ivan, and you, Efim, write an application to the party, you are excellent fighters, we recommend." Write. Ivan: "If they kill me, consider me a communist." Fima: "If they kill me, consider me a communist. If not, then no. "