It is clear that the first reaction of others to a lie is indignation. But here povozmushchalis, and then what? How to fight with lies? And in general, how to live with a man who incessantly lies even in small things, when it is certainly clear that everything will open.
We interviewed couples for whom lies were a stumbling block, and compared these revelations with psychological research.
Confessions of a deceived husband
"All my life I only knew that I was discovering the deceit of my wife," says Stanislav, "No, Tatyana does not change me, she's just daily, chronically lying for six years of our life together." Yes, everyone already knows it! She likes to embellish everything, to dream up.
Why does she say that she went shopping if she was chatting with her girlfriend at the time? And if she needs something to buy, she will paint so that she wants to die if you do not. When I'm interested in the work, whether the son has made the lessons, the wife also lies, that the lessons are ready. When I come home, they hastily complete the tasks. How can I live, I do not tolerate deception at all ?! "
Tatiana considers her marriage successful. She has a great work at work, she gets along with the boss and girlfriends. We must pay tribute to her artistry. However, if Tanya is not an actress and not a seller, then on which stage will she show her abilities? It is necessary in the family and production. Women's lies always border on art, this is the process where the developed imagination of the fair sex surpasses and embellishes events - emotions go off scale and distort reality.
Often women's lies have no purpose at all, they lie only "out of love for art." But most of the husbands can not understand this and, showing an extraordinary detective talent, begin to track down the cause of the lie, trying to open deception. And then the meaning of family life boils down to "who will catch whom." One married couple admitted that for some time now they are playing a game: who will catch whom to commit treason. The husband and wife are not completely sure of each other, and this, in their opinion, warms up the relationship. How far the sporting interest of this pair can go, nobody knows.
In the union of Stanislaus and Tatiana lie does not concern questions of love. Rather, it has a domestic character. But, as you know, life consists of small things. Tatiana loves her husband, she is not interested in other men, she cares about her loved ones, intelligently spends her family budget, tries to make it all good. When Tatyana says that the lessons are made and everything is fine, she just wants to demonstrate that she is a good mother, she manages everything and pays attention to her son. If she stayed with a friend and hid it, then only because she intuitively felt jealousy of her husband to her friend. However, a chain of misunderstandings and misunderstandings can destroy this alliance. And the reason is that it seems to the husband that he never lies.
By the way, psychologists have found out: "honest" people, as a rule, lie more often than others - they give out wishful thinking. Also, these "truth-lovers" consider their opinion to be the ultimate truth, that's why their wives have to adapt and dodge within the strict guidelines of their partners.
Causes
The origins of lies can be different. Tatyana said that sometimes she does not notice how she exaggerates or embellishes events. Most likely, the woman has bothered routine, and with the help of her innocent lies she searches for "acute sensations": she lies and thinks if her husband will guess again? Another reason is "that he does not shout and be not angry", if only everything was quiet and quiet, and then we'll figure it out. Another reason: "I do not consider myself a liar, rather, it's women's wisdom." After all, her husband should not tell everything, "Tatyana believes.
Because the emotional leader is a woman, she must decide what truth to tell her husband. However, it is not necessary to go too far, because a man is touchy and hypocritical. "If she so often inculcates in small things, then what does she come up with in a big way?" he thinks. Doubts accumulate, and to return the trust of the husband becomes almost impossible.
The task of the woman is to find such a facet of contact, good style and delicacy, so as not to feel like an eternal "whipping girl" and not turn her husband into a despot and a reprover. Such masks and "gambling" in a close circle of the family are not at all safe. Do not get carried away by checking the reading of thoughts from the husband, then he does not have to be reproached for making you "turn inside out."
Confessions of a deceived wife
"My husband Nicholas is a fine man, but he constantly lies, and his lies are sewn with white thread," says Nadezhda, "I always find out where he spent money on furniture, or with whom he drank beer yesterday. that the husband does not pay for the phone or for the apartment, and tells me that he paid everything, then come repeated receipts - what can I say? Nikolay hides that he took money because he knows how I do not like it. I always keep my promises and her husband can never be relied on. All his lies are a trifle, but she so poisons my life ".
Hope greatly appreciates her family and is not going to divorce, so she tried various ways of influencing her husband - threats, tears, pleas, but nothing helped. To understand the situation, you need to get to the bottom of the reasons that push her husband to small deceptions and tricks.
As a child, Nikolai grew up in a family with an authoritarian style of parenting: the father and mother kept repeating to his son that he "can lose confidence forever." Exposing the boy was like the goal of his parents, so Nikolai has been accustomed to reporting everything from childhood. Becoming older, he learned to defend himself - to lie, so as not to incur the wrath of his parents. Children from such families complain: "If your mother or father is telling the truth, it's even worse, what else is there to do?" The child is afraid of losing the love of his parents and to avoid the role of the guilty, it is much easier for him to tell lies. Such a reaction will later be transferred to his own family. In fact, it is a neurotic reaction.
Nicholas, trying to be a good husband, lies at every turn, and he does not care that the deception will reveal itself. The fact is that the mechanism of protection at the subconscious level and the habit, developed from childhood, is stronger than the arguments of logic. "Munchhausen Syndrome" is not a product of creative imagination, but rather, the consequences of a heavy childhood. Thus, a person avoids feelings of guilt and shame. Especially a lot of people are lying with a "superman" complex. Striving to be better in everything (career, achievements and physical strength), he presents the picture "I always have everything O'K". In the eyes of a woman, such a man on the contrary seems weak and spineless. On the other hand, man seeks to avoid imaginary punishment. The spouse treats this in a completely different way, she feels injustice, disrespect for herself, feelings are burning in her soul: she loves and hates her husband, and sometimes the situation seems tragic and hopeless to her.
It is noticed that at first the woman reacts as a controlling mother. But such a reaction does not resolve the conflict: the husband knows that his mother "will understand and forgive everything," and after another censure, he will love him again. Then this role becomes unbearable for the wife - she protests, arranges scandals. Constant control and indignation do not pass without a trace, the stage of exhaustion begins. In the worst case, a woman feels defenseless, or, waving her hand at her husband, becomes emotionally cold and seeks a replacement.
To prevent such a disaster, you need to tune in to a gradual solution to the problem, try to help her husband rebuild his reaction. But remember that the stereotypes inherent from childhood can not be overcome in one moment.
How men lie
Being by nature perceptive, women have well studied the little deceptions of their husbands. And they know how to warn and forgive them. Here is a small list of typical male cheats.
- A woman is always right. The word of a woman is the law. Affirming this, a man never believes in his words. Rather, he flirts. Hearing this from the mouth of your husband, do not expect that he immediately begins to fulfill all your whims, messing with the child, washing dishes and washing. The man, alas, is not a fighter for the rights of women.
- I had to stay at work, in addition - on the road terrible traffic jams. A shrewd woman will never take these words seriously, even to expose her husband will not. A slight smell of beer speaks for itself.
- You at me, the swallow, such beautiful and economic. The man obviously wants to escape from the general cleaning. A touching combination of beauty and economy can not fit into the natural course of man's thoughts.
- I had hundreds of beautiful women. You're my second woman in life. Both statements are equally doubtful. Either he wants to look like a Don Juan, or he is waiting for your pity and condescension. Both that, and another - manipulative receptions, pushing the woman to sexual activity.
- Drank only 50 grams. Such strict accountability indicates that they drank a lot and differently. Ask what exactly the husband drank, and he will ponder. A sober person never specifies how much he drank.
- Never to any woman did not feel that to you ... The husband wants to be your only one, so tell him that you believe in it - let him calm down.
How women lie
"A woman should be a secret for a man and never tell the truth," - so says most of the fair sex. Immediate and excessive openness is detrimental to the relationship. More than once I have heard from men that they are getting too fast and open to women - when there is no secret and intrigue, doubt and romance, it's boring. A woman should not ignore such comments.
For a woman, this is not a lie:
- at a certain age forget their calendar age;
- understate 3-4 times the cost of lipstick (so as not to injure her husband in small things);
- for the sake of the story's interestingness, inventing colorful details and presenting them very emotionally - Stanislavskaya simply rests;
- in a conversation with a man to praise his appearance, despite a week of unshaven and dirty shoes.
Home indicators of lies
It is not necessary in the house to have such a complex device as a lie detector. And although every woman has her own signs of deceiving the faithful, psychologists have established some patterns.
Closed gestures. The man always hides his hands in his pockets. At conversation slightly covers a mouth a hand. Applies to the shoulders or face.
Movement of the body. A man can lazily shrug his shoulders and slightly grin. His chin scratches his tie, his man tugs his tie, who does not want to find out the details of what is happening, and he hurries to end the conversation. Artificial coughing and fussy movements.
Eye signals. Running eyes and looking away.
Need to know
How to react to a lie
As one wise husband said, after three divorces he learned to determine any lie. However, this does not always happen: "Well, what is so special about a man that can deceive a woman?" Well, I drank vodka without any demand or money "zanykal", that's all. And a woman? Well, I bought myself a fur coat, perfume, lipstick. for such nonsense ?! " Here is such a simple advice experienced.
External signs of male and female lies are different.
A man, when he lies, becomes aggressive, does not look at the interlocutor, he breathes intermittently, speaks in elevated tones, moves his fingers in the face, can jump up and run out of the room.
A woman in this situation usually smiles unnaturally, says a child's voice, smoothes her clothes, shifts her foot to her leg and blinks more often than usual.
But the intensity of lies from the floor does not depend. According to calculations by American psychologists, men and women lie with the same frequency - an average of 5 to 20 times a day.